I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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