my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
