I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
