Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
