we have pet lesbian snakes
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
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