when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Randomize
