I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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