Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
