i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
