I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
