note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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