What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
