Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
