Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
