Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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