so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
