1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
