You really coming over, don't trick.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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