I wanna bring you to show and tell
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
