It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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