In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
