For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
