forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Two words: blizzard sex
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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