I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
