I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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