question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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