Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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