u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
