I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
