it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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