Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
