sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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