so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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