She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
