Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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