do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
