I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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