so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
