My sheets look like a crime scene.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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