it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
