So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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