So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
