He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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