I'm eating all of the evidence.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
