No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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