That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
