i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Four minutes until I can fart!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
