Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
