I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
