I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
