you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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